The Way of Wisdom: A Study of the Book of ProverbsSample

(This day of study was written by Kelly Minter.)

When it comes to friendship and neighborliness, Proverbs has much to say about wise approaches and foolish ones. Wisdom works to keep community unified while folly tears it apart. Today, we’ll reflect on both.

There are many ways to categorize all that the wisdom writers in Proverbs have to say about being a friend and a neighbor. I’ve identified five major themes. We’ll see that a wise friend is true, faithful, generous, discerning, and loving.

Today, let’s examine what Proverbs has to say about being a true friend.

The first several passages we’ll consider have to do with showing partiality and offering flattery, two actions that highlight insincere and selfish motives in friendship and neighborliness. In other words, characteristics which are not true. Notice how these verses offer observations about reality. These proverbs don’t explicitly tell us whether these realities are good, bad, or indifferent. Nor do they tell us how we are to respond. Instead, we are invited to reflect.

Proverbs 19:4 and 6 state what is generally true to our life experience: we are drawn to those with wealth, we curry favor with those who can offer us something, and we don’t usually pursue the poor and struggling. These are general truths about human nature when not in step with God’s law and Spirit. In other words, this is how we act apart from Christ.

Proverbs 28:21 comes right out and says what I imagine you’re feeling: This is not good! We aren’t to show partiality to people. The author warns that even the “courageous”—those with integrity and resolve—can compromise when they really need something. While this verse specifically refers to what takes place in a court of law, its wisdom applies to us. Just as it is wrong for a judge to show unjust favor in a courtroom for a bribe, it’s wrong for us to show partiality among our friends and neighbors in a way that disadvantages others.(1)

To show partiality is the antithesis of what it means to be a true friend or neighbor. Partiality is based on what we can gain instead of what we can give, and it does not honor God. One of partiality’s closest companions is flattery. Proverbs 29:5 compares flattery to a net. Nets are used to trap prey. Flattery, in a similar sense, can be used to trap a neighbor so as to gain advantage over him or her. This may be an extreme analogy, but consider how many friendships you know of that have dissolved because one or both of the people in the friendship were fake or false. Also, notice how verse 6 flows out of verse 5. When we flatter others, we end up being ensnared by our own sin. We become trapped by the consequences of flattery.

One of the hallmarks of Proverbs is the way it juxtaposes what not to do with what to do. The wisdom writers knew we could better understand what a good friend looks like when held up against a bad one. Now that we’ve looked at the downsides of showing partiality, flattering others, and sidling up to people for what they can do for us, we’ll turn to the virtuous disposition of a true friend.

Proverbs 27:9 says, “Oil and incense bring joy to the heart, and the sweetness of a friend is better than self-counsel.” Both oil and incense were expensive luxuries and sources of enjoyment for the people of Israel.(2) To put oil on one’s face and fragrant incense on one’s garments were delightful practices. Here, the sage compares the sensuous enjoyment of oil and incense with the richness of a friend’s interested and passionate counsel.(3) As oil and incense were precious commodities, so the wisdom of godly counsel is a valuable treasure. We are not meant to walk through life alone. We need the advice of other Christ followers who help us make godly decisions, correct us when we need it, and encourage us along the way.

In Proverbs 27:5, the wisdom writer juxtaposes open correction with love that is of no use because it is concealed. And in verse 6, where we would expect wounds to be paired with enemies and kisses with friends, the sage swaps these. It is actually far better to be “wounded” by a trusted friend’s correction or rebuke than it is to be “kissed” or flattered by someone who doesn’t truly care about us. Remember, the goal is for each of us to look more and more like Christ. We need the faithful “wounds” of a friend to accomplish this.

In verse 7, the author reminds us that timing is also important. If someone doesn’t want to hear our advice or correction (the full person who doesn’t even want honey), we may want to refrain. But when a person is hungry for true friendship, even “bitter” words of correction can taste sweet when the person knows they are coming from a place of love.

My friends and I have a pact with each other: if one of us ever strays from the wise path, the rest of us are coming for her. We are not afraid to tell one another the truth because we don’t always see our own circumstances or hearts clearly. We need others to reflect back to us God’s character and wisdom, to gently lead us home when we’ve gotten off course. The wounds of a friend really are better than the kisses of an enemy because a friend’s wounds are only meant to eliminate that which seeks to harm us.

The very counsel of God is ours in Christ. As I reflect on the kind of friend I am to others, I see that I am only as good as the counsel I’m listening to. As we abide in Christ and His words, we will have treasure to share with those around us.

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1.Bruce K. Waltke, The Book of Proverbs, Chapters 15–31, The New International Commentary on the Old Testament (Grand Rapids, MI: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Co., 2005), 424.

2.Tremper Longman, Proverbs (Grand Rapids: Baker Publishing Group, 2006), 478.

3.Waltke, 378.