Tasting Dirt: When You're Disappointed With GodSample

### Doubting God After my miscarriage, I wavered back and forth between feeling terrified I was “losing my faith” and being so angry that I wanted to completely quit my relationship with God. I’m very grateful for Mary’s story, because it’s reassuring to know I’m not the only one who has been disappointed with God. I’m not the only one with hard questions that I’m afraid to have answered. Let’s be honest about the questions raised by feeling disappointed with God. If God loves me, why didn’t He protect me from this pain? How could He let me down like this? Is He angry at me for blaming Him? Did He allow this to happen, or make this happen? Is He punishing me for something? Do I deserve this? Is He even real? The Bible says He is good and loving, but if He is, then why am I suffering? Why does everybody suffer? The Bible says God answers prayer and includes verses such as, “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him” (1 John 5:14-15). So why didn’t God answer my prayer? Questioning God’s love and goodness is a natural response to suffering, but we will never have peace if we leave the questions unanswered. Feeling disappointed by God shakes us to our very core. The resulting questions threaten nothing less than our source of life and value. We find ourselves in a strange emotional and spiritual wilderness where we are scared to be without Him and without value, but too hurt to bring our questions close to Him for answers. The tension between needing Him, even longing for the simplicity of our previous faith, and the hurt, anger, and fear that keeps us distant is unbearable for very long. Our questions can only be answered by understanding who God really is, instead of clinging to our old expectations of what we thought He would do for us. Doubting God’s existence is a defense against pain. We don’t doubt the existence of humans who hurt us; in fact, we are acutely aware of the reality of those who cause us pain. God would have to exist if He were to hold any responsibility for our suffering. So even though it feels right to our anger at the moment, disappointment is not a logically valid reason for changing our entire worldview about God. If Jesus is a lie, then all that’s left for us is the meaningless pursuit of pleasure. Eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die! You only live once! It’s a desperate struggle to get as much happiness as possible and avoid as much pain as we can for however long we can. There is no healing in that plan for life. Eventually, either the food and drink run out, or they just aren’t enjoyable or distracting enough anymore. Then what? Pain, fear, darkness, and more mouthfuls of dirt are all we should expect down that desert road. What we want and need is not something to make life all sunshine and kittens. We want and need truth that heals and doesn’t add to life’s disappointment, which supplies us with purpose. Weigh the difference: truth, healing, hope, purpose, and life against a system of false hope in empty promises to merely distract us from pain. Which one do you prefer? Prayer: Heavenly Father, help me to know your ways and understand who you are.