Conflict as a CatalystSample

Conflicts are intentional and fights are impulsive . When my husband Mike and I address a conflict, we are intentional about bringing up an issue that needs to be resolved. Sometimes that means that I’ve spent several days praying about the issue, thinking it through, and perhaps getting some perspective from a trusted friend. A fight always begins with an impulsive reaction to how we are feeling. He said something insensitive or I did something that ticked Mike off, and away we go. When we get into a fight, it usually feels for one of us like we have to talk about it right now— not because it’s urgent but because we can’t control how we are feeling. One of the greatest lessons we’ve learned is that almost all conflicts are more likely to be resolved if we give each other time to process, pray, and get perspective. As a young bride, I bought into the advice, “Never go to bed angry.” I took this to mean that we had to solve every problem before going to sleep. Do you know what I learned? Two a.m. in the morning is not a good time to talk through an issue. Most important issues in a marriage don’t have to be resolved today. You don’t have to decide on what car to buy, where to send the kids to school, or how to pay the credit card bill. Although it may feel like you need resolution, find your own peace in bringing the issue before the Lord before seeking peace with your spouse. CONTEMPLATING CONFLICT: When something is left unresolved, what are you most likely to do?  Are you likely to stay up all night until you feel like you have resolution? How often are you truly satisfied after a late night of arguing, even when resolution is made? CONFLICT AS CATALYST: Here is an action step you can utilize in times of conflict: SPACE FOR GRACE, or in other words, time to process. Sometimes we can be so determined to finish the argument that we come to conclusions based on heightened emotion instead of actual reality. Instead of allowing ourselves time to process, we zone in on the immediate and often end off worse than we started. By allowing ourselves and our spouse space for grace, we can give the Holy Spirit an opportunity to help heal and resolve areas in our hearts that only He could.  Whether it is a big life decision, or a minor misunderstanding, giving each other space for grace and prayer will also give God time to work in ways He may not have been able to otherwise!