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The Languages of Apology

Just as the author of The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman, explains that we each give and receive love in different ways: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch, he also discovered that the same is true for apologies. In partnership with Dr. Jennifer Thomas, Chapman wrote The Five Languages of Apology, where they explain that there are five distinct ways people receive an apology for it to feel genuine and meaningful.

The five languages of apology are:

1. Expressing Regret – saying “I’m sorry” and showing remorse. (2 Corinthians 7:10 – “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”)
2. Accepting Responsibility – admitting fault and owning your part. (James 5:16 – “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”)
3. Making Restitution – asking, “What can I do to make this right?” (Luke 19:8 – Zacchaeus said, “If I have cheated anybody out of anything, I will pay back four times the amount.”)
4. Genuinely Repenting – expressing the desire to change. (Acts 3:19 – “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.”)
5. Requesting Forgiveness – humbly asking to be forgiven. (Matthew 5:23-24 – “First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”)

Just as speaking a different love language can leave someone feeling unseen, offering an apology that doesn’t match the other person’s “apology language” can leave them feeling unheard. No matter how many times we try to express ourselves, if it’s not in a way that resonates with the other person, it may not be perceived as a genuine apology.

The Bible reminds us that forgiveness and reconciliation matter deeply to God:

• Colossians 3:13 – “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
• Matthew 6:14-15 – “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

When we speak both love and apology in ways that others can receive, we reflect the heart of Christ, who reconciled us to God and calls us to be ministers of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18).

Apologies are most effective when we speak the other person’s language. True reconciliation requires expressing regret, accepting responsibility, making restitution, repenting, or requesting forgiveness in ways that resonate with the one who was offended.

I Invite You to Ask Yourself:

1. Do I find it easy to apologize — what language am I most comfortable expressing?
2. What kind of apology resonates most with me when others hurt me?
3. How might understanding apology languages improve my relationships?

I Invite You to Pray:

Lord, guide me in being open to apologizing in the language of the one I have offended, so that I can offer a sincere apology that brings healing. Help me also to be quick to offer forgiveness and to receive apologies in a way that promotes peace and reconciliation, even if the one who offended me isn’t speaking my language. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.