Covenant Love: Nurturing Your Marriage God's Wayනියැදිය

Here and Now

Key Verse:

“Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34

Reading:

Have you ever been trying to resolve a conflict with someone and suddenly they start bringing up issues from the past, or you begin to think about other things they've done that have bothered you? We often say that we're resolving all of the issues, but really, what we're doing is resolving none. The Bible is very specific about focusing on the here and now. This can be seen in Matthew 6:34, when it speaks of not worrying about tomorrow, or in Ephesians 4:31-32, which says we should get rid of bitterness and instead show compassion. Now, we must acknowledge that this is very difficult. When you're dealing with a conflict, your ability to see the reality of the current situation becomes impaired. However, God calls us to refrain from holding grudges because grudges create bitter roots and prevent us from bearing the positive Fruit of the Spirit.

I remember a couple that I was working with, and anytime the wife would do something that the husband felt was dismissing him or ignoring him, he would get enraged. It seemed to be much more intense and with more explosive, emotional issues than it needed to be. At that point, I thought, hmm, I wonder if there's a grudge involved, because this could have a much deeper root and much deeper resentment.

We dug deeper, and I found out about a time when he was a little boy and he had come home from school after a difficult day. However, his mother wouldn't let him into the house. She was with a friend and ignored his attempts to get her attention. She even went to the extreme of locking the door and closing the blinds. He tried hard to get her attention, but she wouldn't acknowledge him, so he held his breath and passed out. His mother immediately got him, but she was upset. That experience told him that his needs or his emotions were not important. This led to him feeling abandoned, ignored, and dismissed. It wasn't until we got in touch with that memory and the grudge he still held that we were able to get through some of the issues that were coming up in conflict between him and his wife. The hook-up with the grudge brought more anger, and it had to be resolved and prayed about before they could get through those conflict-type experiences.

Grudges and focusing on past issues when you're in a moment of conflict will never result in a solution. It's important in a moment of conflict to focus on the moment and to be intentional about it. When you begin doing that, not only will you have fewer issues you want to bring up in the future, but you'll see a dramatic change in how you guys begin to work together to solve conflicts.

Reflection:

Stay Present: Can you think of a time when you brought up past issues during conflict resolution? How did that cause things to go?

Practice Patience: Have you been on the receiving end of a grudge, and it's felt like everything brought it back up? How can you be patient with your spouse and help them to stay present?

Prayer:

Heavenly Father, help me to focus on the present when resolving conflicts. Teach me to address one issue at a time and to let go of past grievances that cloud my judgment. Grant me the wisdom to approach conflicts with a forgiving heart and the patience to listen and understand. May Your peace guide our conversations and lead us to resolution. In Jesus' name, Amen.