The Father Wound

Author John Eldredge popularized the term “the father wound” to describe the deep, core damage done by dads who abuse, neglect, desert, or are otherwise just not around or involved in healthy ways with their children. The result? A whole Pandora’s box of pain, suffering, and harmful “acting out” in the lives of those kids. Plus, the cycle of father wounding often gets passed down to the next generation, and the next, apart from the grace of God.

One day I was chatting with my son Brian’s close friend about his family background. William (not his real name) had lived in Los Angeles early in his life, but when he was three his parents had divorced, and his mom had moved back east to North Carolina with him. She eventually remarried, as did his dad, and so William has a set of half-brothers and half-sisters on both coasts. Most of his extended family still lives in L. A., and he was a bit sad that this was the first year he wouldn’t be traveling there to see them all. He usually did that for about three weeks each summer.

“When you go out there, do you stay with your dad?” I asked William.

“I usually stay different places,” he replied, not looking me in the eye.

“Your relationship with your dad, is it a close one?” I probed.

Shaking his head, the nineteen-year-old quietly responded, “My dad … he’s pretty much never been there for me.

The father wound.

I had just finished doing a youth conference at which I had spoken about the critical need to forgive those who have hurt us. When I do these events, I don’t engage in parent-bashing in general or dad-bashing in particular. After all, I am a parent and a dad myself. And it’s really hard work. But the reality of life is that those closest to us have the greatest capacity to wound us most deeply, because we are counting on them to love us, provide for us, and protect us. And since parents are the primary givers of those things when we are children, parents also have the greatest potential for doing harm during those crucial, formative years.

After the teaching portion of the conference was over, there was a time for people to talk about what God had done in their lives during the event. A young man about sixteen years old got up and told his story of abuse and neglect in his home. The crowd of 150 or so teenagers was all ears.

“Every day during the past eight years, my dad told me that he wished I’d never been born, that I was a mistake.”

The father wound.

A number of years ago in Mexico I was speaking at an event for Christian workers and their families. Since this was such a strategic group of men and women, I made sure to carve out time to meet individually with those needing and wanting personal attention. One of them was a young lady in her twenties. It turned out that this young lady’s dad (who had died prior to our meeting) was at one time the head of a major Christian organization in that nation.

Knowing her dad was not there to defend himself, I tried to be objective as his daughter described him.

“He was always gone and never had time for me. When he would finally come home, he yelled at my mom, he yelled at me. He was too tired out or busy or preoccupied to do things with the family. It seemed like the ministry was much more important to him than we were.

“I grew to hate him. Even though he’s dead, I still hate him.”

Not surprisingly, this young lady had come to believe that her heavenly Father was basically the same as her earthly dad. She had very little interest in God.

The father wound.

In the story of the prodigal son found in Luke 15, Jesus told the story about two young men and their dad. The older son, like so many firstborns, was conscientious, hardworking, and dutiful. The younger son, like so many second-borns, was the exact opposite. He basically wanted to party! So he took his share of the inheritance and went wild until the money ran out, at which point he had to hire himself out to feed pigs. One day he came to his senses and decided it was a lot smarter to go back home and become a hired hand than to wallow in the muck and mire he had made of life on his own. So he rehearsed the lines of apology he would tell his dad. Let’s pick up the story from Luke 15:20:

So he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. (NASB)

It might surprise you to know that the reason Jesus told this story was to show us how God the Father responds to us when we go our own way, mess up our lives, and then come back to Him. The father in the story is a picture of God the Father. And just from this short story from Jesus, we can tell at least three things about God.

First, God gives us freedom to fail. Though it was culturally very wrong for the younger son to demand his inheritance prior to this father’s death, his dad gave it to him anyway. And he let the young man go. He could have controlled him and forced him to remain home. But he didn’t. That shows God’s respect for our dignity as human beings He created in His image with the capacity to choose to do good or not.

Second, God never gives up waiting for our return. The father in the story spotted his kid while he was still a long way off. That means he was looking for him and had never given up hope that he would one day return. And so God is with us. He is always watching, looking down the road, longing for our return to Him. But He patiently waits until we come to our senses and come home of our own volition.

Third, God’s heart is so big it nearly bursts with joy when we come back to Him. The father in the story was filled with compassion and couldn’t wait for his son to come all the way back. He ran to meet him (something very culturally uncool in Jesus’ day), hugged him, and kissed him.

Can you picture God this way?

Jesus wasn’t just telling nice stories to give people warm fuzzies so they’d give Him money or something. Jesus was telling the truth. He wanted us to know just how crazy in love with us God the Father is.

No Father wound.

After a message I gave on forgiving from the heart, a young man came up to me and asked if I would talk with his friend Jonathan (not his real name).

When I walked over to where the young man was seated, Jonathan was sobbing so hard that we couldn’t understand a word he was trying to say. We just had to sit back and wait for him to calm down. Eventually we figured out that he had been deeply hurt by his dad continually cutting him down. He was also very upset that his dad had committed adultery.

After a bit of encouragement, Jonathan was able to let go of the anger and hatred he felt and sincerely forgive his dad for those things. But God had done something supernatural to bring Jonathan to that point. He came up to me three days later and told me about it.

In that message on forgiveness, I had used the same story of the prodigal son that I referenced in today’s devotional. That didn’t sit well with Jonathan.

“I have hated that parable,” he confessed, “because everybody uses it and I’ve heard it so much!”

Wanting to get out of the meeting as quickly as possible, so he wouldn’t have to listen to that hated parable, Jonathan encountered a problem he hadn’t expected.

“I couldn’t get out of my seat!” he exclaimed, eyes bulging.

I could just imagine an angel with a finger resting on Jonathan’s head, saying, “Not so fast, Buster!”

Father wound healed.

The younger son in the Luke 15 story knew he could come back home to his dad because he knew his dad was full of grace. Do you know that you, too, can come back to your heavenly Father because He is full of grace? Romans 2:4 says,

Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance? (NASB)

Who would ever want to come back to an angry and condemning God? Nobody. But when we realize that God is kind, patient, gracious, and merciful, there’s no holding us back from coming home to Him!

God is the Father you have always needed and wanted. And you can come home to Him today.

THOUGHT TO CHEW ON

God’s heart and arms are always open to you. Only the Father can heal the father wound.

TRUTH TO REMEMBER

“The kindness of God leads you to repentance.” (Romans 2:4, NASB)

QUESTION TO MULL OVER

Where might you find yourself in the Luke 15 story:

Eager to get out on your own to party? Living it up, living wild? Running out of time and running out of money? Stuck in some dead-end life knowing your own foolishness got you there? Coming to your senses? Coming home?

Talking it over with God

Dear Father, it’s pretty amazing to me that You, the God who created the whole universe and holds it all together effortlessly, would be described by Your Son as a Dad who watches for His kid, races out to meet him, and hugs and kisses him even though he is dirty, smelly, broken, and bad. I guess that’s why they call it amazing grace. This really changes the game. It takes faith out of the realm of sterile religion and puts it onto the muddy playing field of real life. I have to admit that there’s been pain in my life—some of it caused by others and some of it brought on by my own stupid decisions. But I guess You know all that already. Maybe I’m starting to come to my senses. At least it feels like that might be happening. It’s good to know that when I come home, You’ll be the first One to meet me. Amen.

For more devotionals by Rich Miller, find his book, The Wonder of Grace, HERE.