I Might Not Be as Innocent as I Think

“Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18, NLT).

When we find ourselves in a conflict, we must consider ways we might be guilty of contributing to the conflict. Sometimes, honest introspection can reveal that we are not always as innocent as we may be tempted to think. There are many tools for introspection that can help you in that process. For example, the Jesuit tradition follows a process called the examen: an honest, reflective review of oneself in the presence of God. It uses simple questions to help one thoroughly examine oneself and reality. It can expose areas of concern and may help you focus on the need for prayer and action.

The following questions are not technically a spiritual examen. But they can help you get started with introspection specifically tailored to a conflict situation.

• How does my action or inaction contribute to the conflict? What did I do (or not do) that led to this place? Evaluate specific words uttered, actions taken, inactions, and the damage caused. Identify everything that could be considered your contribution.
• How do my values or expectations contribute to the conflict? Did my desire for how I want things to be or my expectations of others contribute to the conflict? What about my expectations that they should understand and share my perspective?
• How does my attitude or approach to conflict contribute to the conflict? How do I react to conflict? Does it help resolve the issue or escalate tensions? Do I have attitudes that contribute to the conflict?

Remaining unbiased and objective in times of conflict is difficult. However, we can pursue honest introspection and be humble about our brokenness. Identifying our responsibility is one part of the diagnosis that can help find workable solutions to transform and save the relationship.

Reflection

Think of a recent conflict. Prayerfully pray through the above questions, asking the Spirit to grow your self-awareness and show you how to do all that you can “to live at peace with everyone.”

We hope you have enjoyed this material from Making Peace with Fireby M. D. Kinoti, PhD. To learn much more about harnessing conflict to transform your relationships, read the whole book.