Carrying Hope: Encouragement for Men Who Love Someone Struggling With Mental HealthNäide

You Haven't Failed

I’ll admit it – I’m not great at fixing things. My grandfather was a farmer and could fix most things: the tractor that wouldn’t start, the leak in the barn roof, the sick cow. His family’s livelihood often depended on it. My Dad didn’t follow in his footsteps as a farmer, but he was usefully handy around the house – able to change the oil or put snow tires on the family car and typically capable of most home appliance repairs.

I didn’t inherit those “fix-it” skills unfortunately, but I have gotten better over the years. I can paint, put together most “assemble-yourself” items my wife purchases, and can handle a few basic plumbing and electrical repairs. I’ve learned to repair drywall, installed a ceiling fan that hasn't flown apart yet, and survived a moment of stupidity while hooking up a 220v dryer cable – now a funny story, in the moment not so much….

With each needed repair, I’ve often learned the hard way – making three or four trips back to the hardware store to get more parts, the actual right parts, or to replace the parts I broke during my first repair attempt.

I also know the pattern – my pattern of procrastination due to my lack of confidence, finally tackling the repair out of necessity (meaning I don’t want to pay someone else), followed by frustration and sometimes even anger. I’ll admit I’ve thrown a tool or two when I just can’t seem to fix whatever needs repairing, when self-doubt rises from the depths of my inner world and reminds me how incapable I am.

Bottom line – I don’t like feeling like a failure. I bet you don’t either.

As men, we are often tempted to shrink back from problems, especially if we feel ill-equipped to fix them. We like to fix and when we can’t fix, we feel like we’ve failed. That’s true with home projects, but the failure strikes even deeper when it’s a problem with our wife or children we don’t know how to solve or can’t remove – a problem like mental illness.

Several years ago, my wife, Stacee, was drowning in mental illness. I had no life preserver to throw her, nor did I know how to swim in those waters quickly pulling her under. She was desperate, and I was overwhelmed. Her mental health had been declining for several years, but now it was quickly falling off the cliff. My inability to fix her had led to a paralysis of action, and only in her desperate crisis was I snapped out of procrastination and forced into action, getting her the help that saved her life.

I anticipate you have chosen this reading plan because you, like me, love someone who struggles with mental health.

You are not a failure because you have not been able to fix your wife's or child’s mental health struggle. Let me repeat that – you are not a failure.

Our inability to “fix” and remove the struggle from someone we love can cause us to shrink back and possibly disengage when our loved one needs us most. In other cases, our frustration at not being able to “fix” them can turn into hurtful statements like “why can’t you just be happy!” The things we say in frustration and anger often only make our loved one’s battle harder, not easier.

Jesus promised us that in this world we will have trouble, but to take heart because He has overcome the world (John 16:33). Mental illness is a struggle faced by millions of people and families. You are not alone in this battle, and you are not a failure because it has befallen someone you love.

Though you may feel ill-equipped, you can engage. Your wife, your children need you to engage. If you feel like you’ve failed before, don’t give up. Your loved one needs you to continue walking with them, growing in empathy and support, carrying hope, and faithfully reminding them that God has not forgotten or forsaken them.

Though maybe you can’t fix your wife's or your child’s problem, you haven’t failed. Failure is only when you quit striving to lead them to help and to the One who rescues and fixes in His perfect timing and way.

As you read the Scriptures and devotionals throughout this reading plan, my prayer is that you are encouraged to press in instead of shrinking back and that you grow in patience, grace and love. I pray that we also experience hope together – hope for your loved one’s mental health and the hope rooted in knowing Jesus has truly overcome the world and whatever problems it may bring.

May God bless you, my friend, as you learn to trust and love God more and to love, lead, and support your family through the mental illness journey. It is my honor to walk with you by sharing this reading plan.