Testimonies of Christian Professionalsنموونە

Lyrical_Levite

Bilingual Faith-Based Rapper

I gave my life to Christ when I was four years old, but shortly after, I was sexually abused by a family member. I spiraled into depression and suicidal ideation for the next 16 years. I would often speak death over myself. Whether I didn’t pass an exam or got in trouble for roughhousing, my immediate solution was death. I'd frequently hold a knife to my heart; I'd slam the handle of the knife into my ribs as practice for plunging the blade into my body. I felt desperate to share with my parents, but I felt too much shame. I felt that if I opened my mouth to talk about it, it would become more real. The enemy manipulated my mind to believe that if I pretended like it didn’t happen, then it didn't happen.

I began journaling; I needed to release the stress and tension. One day on the bus to school, another student grabbed my notebook and saw the content of my writing. He started to call me a girl for being emotional; he said I was less masculine because of the vulnerability in my writing. Writing was my escape; I wasn’t going to sacrifice it, so I pivoted. All my entries from that day forward would rhyme.

Even with the discovery of rap as a form of relief, I was still heavily suicidal. The enemy took advantage of this by hinging my emotional stability on a relationship. For three years, I dated a girl who also experienced sexual abuse, and for once in my life, I felt understood. I finally had someone to speak to about everything I had gone through. However, the relationship was immature and ultimately ended in heartbreak. The escape from my tumultuous reality was stripped away, and I once again felt small, unheard, and powerless.

The breakup happened in the middle of COVID-19. If anyone was depressed before, the pandemic ramped it up to 100. I gave God an ultimatum: “God, you have 30 minutes to tell me if you need me alive, or I'll end my life.”

I set a timer on my phone, had a knife in hand, and waited. I felt fear, shame, disgust, and silenced, but then the timer paused at the 15-minute mark, and my phone rang. I answered, and a close friend said, “I felt God tell me to call you.” GOOSEBUMPS.

“The message God gave me for you is, ‘A wise man seeks counsel, but a fool seeks comfort.’” I immediately understood that I had been a fool all along. I went to writing, relationships, and even suicide for comfort from trauma. Had I been a wise man, I would’ve sought therapy, spiritual advisors, and guidance. I became a wise man that day. God saved my life, which means He needed me on earth, and I understood my purpose. He then read Matthew 6:26, which showed how if God cares for the birds, He will take care of me so much more. I am worth more than the birds, so surely God is working things out for my good.

This launched me into writing new music. I focused all my efforts on releasing and performing songs that bring hope, peace, and encouragement. By God’s grace, I have performed in baseball stadiums, convention centers, megachurches, and even Disneyland! And all for the purpose of telling the audience my story and to remind them that God holds them in the palm of His hand. We are well taken care of.

So many people have approached me online or at my events to share with me that my testimony sparked their desire to seek Jesus and find healing. This is the mission. Till the day I die, I pray to God that I can inspire more to find healing in Jesus.