This is Us: From Mess to Message
Locations & Times
  • ONE*
    15601 E 24th Ave, Spokane Valley, WA 99037, USA
    Sunday 8:00 AM
In his book, Surviving an Affair, Dr. Willard F. Harley Jr. and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers writes, “There are reasons for an affair, but no excuses.
They go on to write:
“On a scale of all other sources of suffering in life, infidelity usually tops the list. And yet, I’ve found that affairs are very common. I estimate that at least 60 percent of all marriages experience infidelity.”
(In Surviving an Affair) “Affairs meet important emotional needs. That’s why, despite the suffering experienced by everyone involved, people become ensnared by them. And emotional needs are so powerful that whoever meets them can become irresistible.”
“An emotional need is a craving that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment and when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration. When a husband and wife come to me for help, I first identify their most important emotional needs—what makes each of them feel the best? Then, I help them learn to meet those emotional needs for each other. If they learn to do it, they create a fulfilling marriage.”
After privately discussing emotional needs with hundreds of men and women, Dr. Harley Jr. discovered that there are ten emotional needs that are usually near the top of the list for most people.
Top Ten Emotional Needs:
Admiration – Being shown respect, value, and appreciation
Affection – Non-sexual expression of care through words, cards, hugs, gifts, etc.
Intimate Conversation – Talking about very personal feelings, opinions, interests
Domestic Support – Management of the household tasks, care of the children, etc
Family Commitment – Provision of the moral and educational development of your children
Financial Support – Provision of financial resources at a standard of living acceptable to you
Honest and Openness – Truthful and frank expressions of positive and negative feelings in a respectful way
Physical Attractiveness – Maintaining physical and sexual attractiveness
Recreational Companionship – Leisure activities with at least one other person
Sexual fulfillment – A sexual experience that is predictably enjoyable and frequent enough for you
In the back of the book there is an Emotional Needs Questionnaire and a Love Busters Questionnaire
What he also found interesting regarding emotional needs is that when he asked couples to list their ten emotional needs in priority, men usually listed them one way and women the opposite way. So, the 5 emotional needs that men tend to place at the top of their list are usually found at the bottom of the list for women—the five most important needs for women are usually found at the bottom of the list for men!
The danger with ongoing unmet emotional needs within a marriage relationship is that someone might come along who may be willing to meet them.
While we all may go through life with unmet emotional needs, none of us is very happy with that kind of life. People who feel depressed because of unmet emotional needs may see therapist after therapist in an effort to relieve their feeling of hopelessness, but they find no relief.
“It’s very foolish to let our emotions dictate the course of our lives. But unmet needs have a powerful effect—so powerful that people are willing to give up their spouse as well as their children, career, and beliefs to have their emotional needs met.”
God can and will help you survive an affair whether it was emotional and/or physical. God can take your mess and make it a message.
Did you ever find it difficult to believe that God would or could love you?
Top four things that helped Jason & Crystal get to where they are today:
1. They made a commitment to attend church regularly
2. They became Intentional about growing spiritually
3. Forgiveness
4. Obedience
. God wants to take your mess and make it a powerful message.