Today, we want to tackle what most people, scholars and counselors believe is the most important skill in healthy relationships: Communication.

Good communication skills can be the difference between becoming a master of love or a disaster of love.

Master’s are those couples who have cultivated the necessary relational skills to survive the storms of life. They have learned to communicate in a way that helps them become more understanding and better understood.

While on the other hand, disasters are pretty self-explanatory. Disasters are couples that are unable to weather the storms of life, who have fallen into a pattern of negativity and cannot repair their relationship because they have not developed a deep friendship and emotional connection.

You cannot experience love that lasts if you continue to ignore the signs and symptoms of a relational disaster:

· Negativity vs. positivity

· Criticism vs. sharing a complaint

· Listening to respond vs. listening to understand

· Trashing your partner vs. cherishing your partner

· Building resentment vs. building appreciation and gratitude

· Being adversaries vs. being great friends

Statistics show that the average wait time from the time couples notice there’s a problem in the relationship to getting help is 6 years!

What can we learn from the Masters?

1. Masters of love understand that personality matters

Did you know that every person is hard-wired with his or her own personality?

Understanding how both of you are hard-wired will greatly impact the success of your communication.

Our personalities can get in the way of good communication.

elephant I am referring to was me. We finally understood that we needed to develop a deeper level of trust before moving forward in our conversations.

We had no idea how much of an impact understanding each other’s personality would make on our relationship and how well we could interact and communicate with one another as a result of learning the strengths and weaknesses within our personalities.

If we’re not careful, we can use our personalities (both its strengths and weaknesses) as excuses to validate our behavior and not grow or change: “Well, that’s just the way I am, learn to live with it!”

The guiding force for our relationships was spoken by Jesus in John 13:34:

Personality Styles: (different tests coin them differently, but they all show pretty similar characteristics)

· Dominance (tellers -directors) back-up style (steam-roller)

· Extroverts (sellers-persuaders) back-up style (verbal attacker)

· Pace (Peace keepers; steady and dependable) back-up style (avoid conflict)

· Conformity (Detailed, fact-driven) back-up style (can be critical)

Number 2: Masters of love understand that you are friends before you are lovers

People want to go where they are celebrated not tolerated!

One of the most important things we can do to develop and deepen our friendship as couples is to celebrate each other!

Master couples create a positive relational atmosphere at a 20 to 1 ratio – they celebrate each other much more than tolerate each other

§ Statistics have shown that for a relationship to be strong and healthy, there are normally 20 to 1 positive interactions over negative ones.

§ During conflict, the ratio goes to 5 to 1 for the Masters and .8 for the Disasters!

Masters:

§ “Yes, and” attitude instead of a “Yes, but” attitude – Master’s lose their buts! Masters try to understand…Disasters try to prove their point!

§ They ask questions to try to understand

§ They accept responsibility for even a small part of the problem

§ They are respectful and accept their partner’s feelings and opinions rather than try to change them

Disasters:

§ See their partner as their adversary

§ During conflict they take things personally and negatively.

§ They are hyper-vigilant for put-downs and insults

They even distort reality and see positive things as potential put-downs

Statics have shown that positive emotion has the half-life of negative emotion! So, when you are unhappy, you only notice 50% of the positive things your partner does.

Masters promote their friendship by starting discussions “soft” and use “I” statements instead of “You” statements!

The way people start a discussion in the first 3 minutes predicts 96% of the time how the discussion is going to go!

Disasters start a discussion with a criticism and use “You instead of I”

“You are so selfish! All you do is hang out with your friends and ignore me. You don’t seem to want to spend any time with me anymore!”

Masters start soft and share a complaint by using “I”. “I am lonely” (harsh soft) “I am missing you” (gentle soft)

Masters are gentle with one another even when they raise an issue, they take responsibility for even a small part of the problem and they respect each other’s feelings and opinions rather than trying to change them.

Disasters are critical and negative and diagnose their partner’s personality defects. They think their partner will thank them for pointing out all of the ways they are failing as a human being!

Number 3: Masters of love listen to understand

Couples who are masters listen to understand instead of listening to respond

§ 98% of good communication is listening

§ Listening is active - hearing is passive

§ We listen with our ears and our hearts - “Tell me more, I want to understand. I want to get better and I need your help to do so.” (Expound)

§ Women share feelings – Men solve problems – (Expound)

§ Drive-through listening

Much of communication is learning how to listen so your mate will talk and talk so your mate will listen. Master couples listen to understand rather than listening to respond

There are two types of couples: Masters of Love and Disasters of Love. How you communicate will determine what type of couple you will become.

3 Qualities of a Master of Love:

1. Masters of love understand that personality matters

2. Masters of love understand that you are friends before you are lovers

3. Masters of love listen to understand

Good communication skills can be the difference between being a master or a disaster.